Application to Date My Daughter

In consideration of my previous post, I did some digging and found the old application that my dad used when I was first starting to date. I think Ryan and I will need to bring it back into effect for Miss Reagan one of these days...

OFFICIAL APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

*Please note this application will be rejected unless filled out in its entirety and accompanied by a photograph, complete financial statement, job history, lineage and complete medical statement.

• Name:
• Date of Birth:
• Home Address:
• Height:
• Weight:
• IQ:
• GPA:
• Social Security Number:
• Drivers License Number:
• Highest Boy Scout Rank and Badges Earned:
• Do you have one MALE parent and one FEMALE parent? If no, explain:
• Number of years your parents have been married? If less than your age, explain:
• Have you ever kissed a man?
• Have you ever kissed an animal?
• Have you ever kissed anything else? If yes, explain:
• Do you own a van?
• Do you own a truck with over-sized tires?
• Do you own a waterbed?
• Do you own a pick up with a mattress in the back?
• Do you have an ear ring or a nose ring?
• Do you have any body piercings? If yes, explain:
• Do you have a tattoo?
  

If the answer to any of the above questions was yes, discontinue this application and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, continue below...

• In 10 words or less, what does the word "LATE" mean to you?
• In 10 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
• What church do you attend?
• How often do you attend?
• When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and pastor?
  

Answer the following questions by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. Answers will be kept confidential.

• If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot is:
• If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is:
• A woman's place is in the:
• The only thing I feel this application does not ask is:
• When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her:

(Note: If the answer to the previous question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue this application and leave the premises immediately, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion)

• What do you want to do when you grow up?
  

Please sign below after reading the following statement:

I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under the penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, castration, Chinese water torture, electrocution, and red hot pokers.

Thank you for your interest. Please allow a minimum of six years for processing. And remember, don't ever call us... we will call you!

***For the record, to my knowledge, my Dad never actually used this application... he just always threatened me that he was going to!