Friday, July 31, 2009

I've Got An Itch

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I've been cleaning and organizing like a crazy wierdo the last couple of days. I've cleaned out every closet and made bags to take to Good Will of clothes that we either don't fit in (because they are way TOO BIG!!!) or just simply no longer wear. I've cleaned under the beds, re-organized our closets and drawers, and de-cluttered our bathroom cabinets. I've even gone as far as to take ALL of the clothes that Reagan has outgrown and I've organized them by size. I then packed all the clothes into those space-age vacuum sealed storage bags. Those bags are now stored away in bins that are labeled by size ranging from premie/newborn up to 2T. There are over 10 extra-large over-sized Rubbermaid storage bins full of her clothes now. Needless to say, she has a lot of clothes. If the next child is a girl, then we will have nothing to worry about.

What's that you say? Next child?

No, I am not pregnant. Yes, I am thinking about it. I'm thinking about it ALL THE DANG TIME it seems. I see pregnant women every where I turn. If the women aren't pregnant, then they are holding or nursing a newborn. Or, I'll see two or three sisters all dressed alike looking so adorable and cute while walking through the mall. Or at the park. Or at the pool. Like I said... ALL THE DANG TIME!

Our original plan was to start trying for our second child sometime last Fall. Those of you who have been reading this blog since that time may remember all of the stress and strain that we went through with Ryan's back surgeries at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. Ryan was on some pretty heavy duty pain medications, one of which stated directly on the label, "Do not plan to get pregnant or father a child while taking this medicine." Um, alrighty then. So much for our plan for child number two at that time! We were told we would need to wait at least two months for all of the drugs to be out of Ryan's system before we could start trying again, so that put us looking at April of this year. But something happened during that time that I never told any of you in blog-land about...

The day before Ryan's third surgery, I went to my family doctor on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You see, I had suffered from clinical depression once before a long time ago, so I knew that all my signs and symptoms were pointing in that direction. I was scared to death for Ryan, but I wouldn't let him know it. I was trying to shoulder his fears as well as my own, all while still putting on a happy face for our daughter and doing my best to keep life as normal as possible for her. But on the inside, I was falling apart. I would hide in the bathroom to cry, or I would cry in Reagan's room after I had watched her fall asleep. I was a nervous wreck. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant, Effexor, and he also prescribed a mild sedative, Serax. At my request, I was only put on what is considered to be a half dosage of each of these medicines. I wanted relief, but I knew that I needed to be able to keep a level head as I was pretty much a single parent taking care of my daughter and my husband at that time.

The medicine helped. The sedative provided me with immediate relief, and within two weeks, the anti-depressant had kicked in. My doctor and I both agreed that I would need to stay on them for some time in order to get things back to a normal state for me. So, the plan to get pregnant was pushed back even further. Sure, the dosage that I was taking would probably have had no effect on an unborn child, but I wasn't going to take the chance.

But guess what... as of yesterday, I am completely off of both medications! I've been off of the sedative for over a month now, and I've been slowly weening off of the anti-depressant for the last three weeks. Maybe the fact that I am now physically "allowed" to get pregnant is the reason that I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant. Or maybe it is just time! Regardless, I've got an itch! We do still plan to wait until later this year to actually start trying though. The next three months are my busiest months with weddings, and I don't want to be working 12-14 hour wedding days every weekend while feeling nauseous and exhausted from the first trimester of a pregnancy. So, it will probably be November or December before we really start trying. But in the meantime, Ryan says that we need to do a LOT of practicing. ahem...

Truthfully, I want two more children! I would love to add both a son and another daughter to our family. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens...

I would like to say that for anyone reading this post who is filled with anxiety, fear, sadness or depression, please know that there is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. I'll be honest, I was scared and ashamed to admit that I needed help. But a very dear friend of mine made me realize that I had nothing to be ashamed about. She told me that she was extremely proud of me for being wise enough to realize that I couldn't do it all on my own, and that she was even more proud of me for being courageous enough to ask for help. I of course cried when she told me that! But those tears were happy tears. It made me feel so relieved to know that I wasn't being judged, and it made me feel so relaxed to know that she understood. So for anyone reading this, please know that I will not judge, and I will understand. Feel free to send me a private email using my CONTACT ME button located on my right sidebar if you ever would like to talk and do not want to leave a public comment...

42 comments:

Brandi said...

You definitely have the baby bug! Good luck, and thanks for sharing your story. :)

Ann said...

Thanks for sharing that. It is nice to know that you aren't alone out there. I, too, have suffered from depression, well still do, and let it go undiagnosed almost too long....I am so glad you have been able to get a handle on things.

Erin said...

You are very brave for sharing your struggles with us! I'm glad that you were able to get it under control! I am also going through the "baby bug" and I think they just plant moms and babies where you see them, so you'll want one even more :)

Jenn said...

I may not know you in real life, but I'm still proud of you.

{{{Hug}}}.

Jenn said...

Thanks for sharing your story for people who may be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. I'm so glad that you have a handle on it now and are medication free! That is so great! Have fun practicing for baby #2! :)

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

You are exactly right. I can be a much better mother on Wellbutrin, than without it. Even my children can notice a difference. I admire you.

And I saved all Sass's baby clothes & it payed off when BG was born.

Chic Mama said...

Ahhh- good luck with your baby making. Somedays I wonder if I should go to the doctor but I've been trying to manage with homeopathic medication and counselling. I'm glad you feel much better now.
Oh and I love your pictures, they're really stunning.
:0)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Good for you! I can understand those times, and agree that there is nothing wrong with doing what you need to to get through. Good for you!
I can't wait to hear about the new bundle of joy when it happens! However, I DO NOT want to hear about the practicing, k?
Loves,

Sara

Tiff said...

Thanks for sharing that. i have battled depression before too, and it is hard to come to grips with the fact that it is medical, and taking an anti-depressant should not be any different than taking allergy medicine. The more women speak up, the less of a stigma there will be!

Have fun "practicing!" :)

Colleen said...

One word from me: Zoloft. There was a time in my life when I couldn't have done it without it. It's nothing I am ashamed of and I give you kudos for sharing your story!!!!

Mama4Real said...

Going on anti-deps was hard for me at first, but, I'm pretty vocal about them now.

I missed the past few days, since we've been travelling, and today I was like "why am i so edgy and irritated?" DUH. So now i'm doped up again (haha). I would like to be off them though...for awhile I was on 3 different ones and I was starting to twitch.

Good luck on your baby-making future:)

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

I'm so glad you got the help you needed. Good luck with TTC! How exciting!

Tina said...

Tiffany, I came to you by way of my good friend Brandi @ My Three Bubs. I just love your blog!!
I wish you the best of luck in the months to come with your baby adventure!!
And my family is @ the beach with the bubs dad this weekend, so I am also doing the "organizing" thing!
I am not enjoying it!! :(

E @ Scottsville said...

While you're in this mode, can you please come down here and organize me? My house needs a friend!!! It needs loving care!

Come on, pretty please?

=0)

I can't wait for maternity pictures. Looking forward to THAT blog with THAT big announcement.

{{hugs}}

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Great post.....and one that is needed...It is a rainy day here in La and I have enjoyed some blog reading....So glad I stopped by yours.

Loukia said...

Thank you for writing this and for being so honest! I think a lot of go through periods of depression and never get any help. I'm glad you are thinking and hoping and hopefully trying for another baby! I wish you lots of luck with everything!!

Andrea and Jeff said...

thanks for sharing! and man, do i know about that baby bug. i'm pretty sure EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW is pregnant :) maybe we'll be pregnant together again?? love you!

Ashley said...

Thank you for sharing your story... there have been times when I probably should have sought help for the anxiety I have dealt with but didn't.

It still comes and goes sometimes but never as bad as it once was. If it does get that bad again, I am sure I will remember this story and think of you and maybe even contact you if I need someone to talk to.

Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone and thank you for being so honest... that alone helps :)

Can't wait to hear the news (later of course) that you are expecting again!

leslie ruth said...

Love everything about this post...especially your delightfully authentic heart. Thanks for being brave in the sharing...

Kameron said...

Thanks for sharing that. it takes a lot to be able to talk about one's emotional health. I feel anxious a lot, but I tell myself that I really just need to work through the reasons for my anxiety rather than take Xanax, like my doctor suggested. I told him that if I get to the point where I can't handle the anxiety on my own I will give it a try. Ha! We'll see if baby #2 pushes me over the edge! :o)

Theta Mom said...

I applaud you for your honesty and authenticity. This was an excellent blog post! Thanks for sharing this. Best of luck with the baby plans. I always say that a higher power has that all figured out already...when it's your time, it will just happen. Looking forward to reading more from you. :)

E @ Scottsville said...

CCD comment here:

I don't think it's "American Eagle".... unless that's the brand they carry at JC Penneys. I know that's where I bought it! =0)

Erica

Momisodes said...

I'm so glad that you were able to finally reach out and find someone to help you. That was too much to bear alone. That's very exciting you're thinking of jumping on the TTC boat soon!

Mighty M said...

So sorry I missed you today - I had a busy weekend and just couldn't get in touch. How was the outlet mall?? I just LOVE Seattle Premium Outlets, I always beeline for Banana Republic first! So exciting to hear you are thinking about working on another baby - so fun!! But I know what you mean about being obsessed about it all the time. I THINK we are done, but not positive and I told myself to wait awhile before I figure it out, but I think about it EVERY DAY and have since my son was BORN. Yikes. Have a great week!

Grand Pooba said...

Well of course your depression decided to rear it's ugly head, look at all the crap you've got going on in your life! I'm glad you found relief and are now off the meds. I've been on my meds (prozac, wellbutrin & lamictal) for 8 years and it is hell anytime I try to go off them. Luckily we aren't planning to start a family anytime soon.

Good luck with your itch, I hope you get to relieve it soon enough!

Miller Racing Family said...

Wonderful post, I can totally relate!

Mocha Momma said...

My goodness you're getting organized. I call that nesting. You are ready to get pregnant.

The good Lord will surely bless you in good time.

Meanwhile, come on over here and help me get organized and cleaned, JK!

Have a great wedding planning season.
Nannette from Life: be-in-it

Carrie said...

Such a wonderfully honest post, and so glad to hear that you are doing well and excited to hear some good news soon ;) We have been trying for number 3 and as we get older...I feel so much more anxiety about it! I feel a sense of depression at times, too, and so glad you shared your feelings with us. Have a great time trying...heehee...we will try to do the same :)

{ps...If your little girl is anything like Emily...Twinkle Toes are for her! LOL! They're just a sneaker with rhinestones on the toe part..haha!}

Jessica said...

Oh my goodness girl! Kudos to you for sharing your story, and yay for having the baby bug!!!!

Kathy B! said...

You've got the baby bug, for sure!

And thank you for sharing your journey. I hope that you are able to achieve exactly what you wish :)

Lady Mama said...

I'm sorry to hear you were going through such a tough time, and I'm really glad to hear you've come through it! And it's great you were able to share this on here. How exciting that you've got the baby bug! (I'm going off to find you on Twitter now)

forever folding laundry said...

So glad you are doing better, and thanks for your bravery in sharing your story!

And sending many fertile, baby-filled thoughts your way! :)

~Keri

Ace said...

something for you on my blog!

{Kimber} said...

please don't make me hurt you with your ROLL TIDE SELF!! cuz I'll do it! :)

Chic Mama said...

I have awarded you the Honest Scrap award. :0)

Jersey Girl in Louisiana said...

i got the itch too!

things will workout they way they should :o)

love your blog.

Just Add Walter said...

love your blog... just stumbled across it today...

thanks for sharing that story with everyone...

and best of luck with all that practicing... hehe :)

Five Moms & A Blog said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on the 5 Moms blog today. I was in that cleaning crazy mode yesterday. I need to stay in that mode in order to get the whole house tackled. That basement is a a nightmare. Good for you being off both medications, but good for you for using them when you needed them.

Brittany Ann said...

AWESOME POST! Thank you for your honesty! It's inspiring!

Theta Mom said...

I know I already responded to this, but I wanted you to know I've given you an award! Stop by thetamom to collect. :)

blueviolet said...

You know, it's such a good thing to put this out there. I do think that because people like you are willing to share, the stigma is slowly getting broken down. I suffer from mild depression too but I just stay on anti-depressants year round and it keeps it at bay.

I remember the baby bug when it bites! Good luck!

Monique - Resident Mommy said...

I'm glad you got the help you need and shared your story to lift up others.