I've Got An Itch

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that I've been cleaning and organizing like a crazy wierdo the last couple of days. I've cleaned out every closet and made bags to take to Good Will of clothes that we either don't fit in (because they are way TOO BIG!!!) or just simply no longer wear. I've cleaned under the beds, re-organized our closets and drawers, and de-cluttered our bathroom cabinets. I've even gone as far as to take ALL of the clothes that Reagan has outgrown and I've organized them by size. I then packed all the clothes into those space-age vacuum sealed storage bags. Those bags are now stored away in bins that are labeled by size ranging from premie/newborn up to 2T. There are over 10 extra-large over-sized Rubbermaid storage bins full of her clothes now. Needless to say, she has a lot of clothes. If the next child is a girl, then we will have nothing to worry about.

What's that you say? Next child?

No, I am not pregnant. Yes, I am thinking about it. I'm thinking about it ALL THE DANG TIME it seems. I see pregnant women every where I turn. If the women aren't pregnant, then they are holding or nursing a newborn. Or, I'll see two or three sisters all dressed alike looking so adorable and cute while walking through the mall. Or at the park. Or at the pool. Like I said... ALL THE DANG TIME!

Our original plan was to start trying for our second child sometime last Fall. Those of you who have been reading this blog since that time may remember all of the stress and strain that we went through with Ryan's back surgeries at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. Ryan was on some pretty heavy duty pain medications, one of which stated directly on the label, "Do not plan to get pregnant or father a child while taking this medicine." Um, alrighty then. So much for our plan for child number two at that time! We were told we would need to wait at least two months for all of the drugs to be out of Ryan's system before we could start trying again, so that put us looking at April of this year. But something happened during that time that I never told any of you in blog-land about...

The day before Ryan's third surgery, I went to my family doctor on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You see, I had suffered from clinical depression once before a long time ago, so I knew that all my signs and symptoms were pointing in that direction. I was scared to death for Ryan, but I wouldn't let him know it. I was trying to shoulder his fears as well as my own, all while still putting on a happy face for our daughter and doing my best to keep life as normal as possible for her. But on the inside, I was falling apart. I would hide in the bathroom to cry, or I would cry in Reagan's room after I had watched her fall asleep. I was a nervous wreck. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant, Effexor, and he also prescribed a mild sedative, Serax. At my request, I was only put on what is considered to be a half dosage of each of these medicines. I wanted relief, but I knew that I needed to be able to keep a level head as I was pretty much a single parent taking care of my daughter and my husband at that time.

The medicine helped. The sedative provided me with immediate relief, and within two weeks, the anti-depressant had kicked in. My doctor and I both agreed that I would need to stay on them for some time in order to get things back to a normal state for me. So, the plan to get pregnant was pushed back even further. Sure, the dosage that I was taking would probably have had no effect on an unborn child, but I wasn't going to take the chance.

But guess what... as of yesterday, I am completely off of both medications! I've been off of the sedative for over a month now, and I've been slowly weening off of the anti-depressant for the last three weeks. Maybe the fact that I am now physically "allowed" to get pregnant is the reason that I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant. Or maybe it is just time! Regardless, I've got an itch! We do still plan to wait until later this year to actually start trying though. The next three months are my busiest months with weddings, and I don't want to be working 12-14 hour wedding days every weekend while feeling nauseous and exhausted from the first trimester of a pregnancy. So, it will probably be November or December before we really start trying. But in the meantime, Ryan says that we need to do a LOT of practicing. ahem...

Truthfully, I want two more children! I would love to add both a son and another daughter to our family. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens...

I would like to say that for anyone reading this post who is filled with anxiety, fear, sadness or depression, please know that there is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. I'll be honest, I was scared and ashamed to admit that I needed help. But a very dear friend of mine made me realize that I had nothing to be ashamed about. She told me that she was extremely proud of me for being wise enough to realize that I couldn't do it all on my own, and that she was even more proud of me for being courageous enough to ask for help. I of course cried when she told me that! But those tears were happy tears. It made me feel so relieved to know that I wasn't being judged, and it made me feel so relaxed to know that she understood. So for anyone reading this, please know that I will not judge, and I will understand. Feel free to send me a private email using my CONTACT ME button located on my right sidebar if you ever would like to talk and do not want to leave a public comment...